Magic

Finn has been delightfully attached to Daddy lately. Daddy is the coveted parent, the one he wants to see first and last thing and the parent he calls to at night. Unfortunately, Daddy is also incredibly booked for the next few months and we can anticipate at least half of each month he will be away on assignment.

Nick departs for a two week assignment in Chile today. Unfortunately, this corresponds with the final two weeks of due diligence and negotiations at Snopac and I expect my workload to increase beyond what it currently is and I am not sure how much room is left of me. As long as I don't get sick and Finn doesn't pull night upon night of all-nighters, I think we will survive. I keep telling myself this is all temporary, all the hard work I am putting in now, means I have more freedom in the future, but sometimes I feel like I am drowning in it all.

One thing has become abundantly clear and that is I have no desire to be a business executive mother. Not at least while my children are young. Perhaps if Nick's career was more stationary and less travel-heavy, I would feel different, but trying to raise children alone with the stress of a business to run pushes me beyond the comfort of sanity. I can handle the thought of a 9 to 5 (or even 8 to 6) if it meant that I could leave my business at work at the end of the day and focus on my children.

I have huge admiration for women who are in my shoes and ambitiously master both, but at this stage in my life I will be quite happy as executive mother pleaseandthankyouverymuch. Or, I could see myself as executive business manager of Nick Hall Photography and take the occassional trip to Chile or Micronesia or Bhutan, just to make sure that the client relations are going smoothly. I dream.

And I also dream of the not-so-distant future when I will have my weekends back and more mental space for my children. When I will be spotaneously playful with them instead of reminding myself to be more playful. When there will be more yesses than nos, more come heres than here's nanny.

It's not too far off now.