Finn, lately

A couple of weeks ago, I had a challenging parent-teacher conference at Finn’s preschool. The teachers were feeling that maybe he wasn’t developmentally ready for preschool as he had trouble sitting quietly and concentrating on one thing at a time (big surprise), amongst a few other classroom behaviors that made teaching challenging. When they were describing his behavior, I realized I was seeing much of it at home too. And I didn’t think it had to do with not being ready for school (which he loves), and more to do with what was happening at home. (For the record, I am open to the possibility that he is not ready, however, we agreed at the meeting to implement some changes in the classroom and at home and reevaluate after few weeks).

After some tears and feeling like a failure as a mother, I immediately reflected on the past month of Thanksgiving week, the bathroom remodel and Nick being gone. I realized I was less in mommy-mode than I had been prior to these events. The kids were getting less of my undivided attention and there were definitely times (OK, actually a whole week if we're talking the bathroom remodel) when I wish they were someplace other than with me. What was I thinking? That the kids wouldn't sense I was feeling that way? Ha.

I have been working very, very hard the past couple of weeks to make Finn feel heard, understood and loved. Despite the fact that some days feel like they are going to go on forever and ever, I am really trying to make our days kid-centric and fun, for me and them. Each day has a healthy dose of the outdoors, a physical activity, at least 10 books, some one-on-one time with each child independently, healthy meals, NO TV (!) and lots of bending down and listening.

I told Finn he couldn’t have something the other morning and he yelled and screamed and told me ‘I am never going to sleep with you again!’ We are co-sleeping at the moment, and my first thought was ‘Thank God!’, followed by the nice-mommy reaction of ‘oh darling, that makes me feel sad when you say that. But that’s OK, if you don’t want to sleep with me anymore, I understand.’ And I sat down on the couch with a neutral expression.

Two seconds later, he approached me with a hug and a kiss and said, ‘I’m sorry mommy, sometimes I get really angry and it’s hard to be nice. I am sorry for saying that. I love you.’ Which is leaps and bounds and bounds and leaps from where we were a few weeks ago. He is naming his emotions, he is recognizing his feelings and he is eager to make amends. It goes without saying that the teachers have noticed a huge improvement since our meeting as well.

I know it sounds crazy, but of all the changes I have made at home, my intuition tells me that it is the elimination of TV that has helped the most.  I was using TV shows as a crutch to help me ‘babysit’ when things got hectic and I needed to get things done. But the cost is too high. Since the elimination of TV, both the children have become much more capable of entertaining themselves for longer stretches of time. Finn goes to sleep easier, there is more imaginative play during the day, and he is a more gentle child to me and his sister. And, just to test the waters, I asked him if he wanted to watch Sesame Street while I made dinner. No mom, he said, I want to play with those blocks (hidden high on a shelf because they roll everywhere). Could you please get them down for me? I will play while you make dinner.

I guess my mom was on to something when she wrote 101 Alternatives to Television 20 years ago.